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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27127705">Keep Your Love for Me for Someday I'll Return</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JezebelGoldstone/pseuds/JezebelGoldstone'>JezebelGoldstone</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Western AU [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A/B/O, Alternate Universe - American Old West, Alternate Universe - Historical, Angst, Arranged Marriage, Devotion, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Time, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Knotting, M/M, NONE of the abuse is in the Steve/Tony dynamic, Nightmares, Omegaverse, PTSD, Past Abuse, Relationship Negotiation, Romance, Sex, Sex Negotiation, Trauma, Trauma Recovery, Trauma recovery assistance, Triggers, True Love, abuse recovery, abuse recovery assistance, and speaking of!, except no heats no mpreg and no consent issues, ffs why does it keep rearranging the tags, loving from afar, once again, pining from up close, rivals to lovers (kinda), sooo much fluffier than the tags are making it sound, tags will likely update, trigger recovery, watch this space, what is angst if not a vehicle for The Fluff, yet more Big Eden references</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:13:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,774</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27127705</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JezebelGoldstone/pseuds/JezebelGoldstone</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony obsesses over every moment of the whole morning. The way Steve's voice sounded, the slight quaver to it, makes Tony worried and nervous, though he doesn't know why. Despite his best efforts he fixates on that <i>noise</i> Steve made, wondering if he could get him to make it in another context. And then he remembers how thoroughly those contexts could destroy his life, which is why he's decided to stay away from them. But then that noise replays again in Tony's head, oh ye gods...</p>
<p>(Steve is everything Tony's never let himself hope for. Tony feels safe for the first time in his life. But there are still things Tony can't bring himself to say, and he knows there are things Steve's keeping from him. What he sees when he has those screaming nightmares, for one. What the hell happened to his friend Bucky he's only mentioned twice, and both times apparent accidents, for another. What he surely must <i>really</i> think of Tony's whiplash reactions to sex or kissing or skin.</p>
<p>What's a guy in love to do.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Steve Rogers/Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Western AU [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1546126</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>139</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Keep Your Love for Me for Someday I'll Return</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Fair warning: I am only posting the first chapter of this now. I won't be posting chapter 2 and beyond until the rest of it is completely written and edited, and as of right now this part is only about half written (and already longer than the first part, sooo...). I had planned on having the entire thing written by now, but Certain Circumstances have prevented me from writing at my usual pace.</p>
<p>
  <strike>So why am I posting the first chapter? I wanted to let everyone know that this year I'm participating in MTH! I have three stories up for grabs (one 10k, two 20k each), so if you want your very own story written by yours truly, now's your chance! But be warned, <b>deadline is Saturday October 24th 2020 at 11:59 p.m. EST</b>. Listing here: <a href="here.">https://www.marveltrumpshate.com/?s=JezebelGoldstone&amp;post_type=product&amp;type_aws=true&amp;aws_id=1&amp;aws_filter=4</a></strike>
</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>Don't let the stars get in your eyes<br/>Don't let the moon break your heart<br/>Love blooms at night, in daylight it dies,<br/>Don't let the stars get in your eyes<br/>So keep your love for me for<br/>Someday I'll return and you know<br/>You're the only one<br/>I'll ever love<br/>-<em>Don't Let the Stars Get in Your Eyes</em> (George Jones)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tony isn't sure why he's still keeping track - keeping score - of what Steve does and does not demand of him, but he notices that Steve doesn't demand sex over the course of the day. They had sex this morning, and even people (well, alphas) who don't take marriage as blanket consent to sex would still take the initiation of sex as that same blanket permission.</p>
<p>And yet.</p>
<p>He also isn't sure if he's more giddy because he expects Steve to continue being kind and caring and gentle and Steve fulfills his expectations beautifully, or because the sex was actually really good. Both, probably. In any case, Tony's giddy and bouncy and Steve, in keeping with prior behavior, doesn't seem annoyed. Seems to enjoy Tony's energy, in fact, and Tony can be honest enough with himself to admit that this is still throwing him for a loop.</p>
<p>They're near enough to touch all day, following each other around like puppies. They hold hands walking from the house to the barn, for godssake. It's a grand total of about ten steps. But Steve isn't complaining and never pulls away, and Tony's still feeling around the edges of this whole 'Steve will start a movement or complete it but never both and the rest is up to Tony' thing, now that he's finally figured out it's there.</p>
<p>This is wonderful right up until it isn't; after dinner (which Tony will never admit to anyone he spends sitting in Steve's lap, the pair of them feeding each other off a single plate and kissing even when they both taste like cornbread) it hits Tony square in the chest that he wants to tell Jarvis and Ana. Not details, of course, but whether or not he ever said it aloud they know what Tony's deepest fear was, and he wants to tell them he's all right. That he's going to <em>go on being</em> all right. He quashes the thought that even if he writes them now it'll still take weeks if not months for them to actually receive the information. There's no use thinking about things he can't change.</p>
<p>How to write them with Steve so close, though? On the one hand he'd prefer to never sit on anything that isn't Steve's lap ever again, but on the other hand he doesn't want Steve to read what he writes. Not that he'd write anything he wouldn't also tell Steve, but it's - not secret, but - private. It's private.</p>
<p>Steve, though, wonderful Steve sees him staring at the writing desk and wringing his hands and after a few moments of confusion his face lights with understanding. He really is quite smart; Tony's not sure why Steve never brags about it or anything. But Steve doesn't even say anything; all he does is smile at Tony and kiss his cheek, then go get his whittling and bring it to the table. He turns his chair, though, so that it's facing away with the back pressed against the table, then he settles in with his work.</p>
<p>Tony's confused for just a moment, and then he runs over to Steve and kisses him <em>thoroughly</em>. Steve's still smiling and looking a bit dazed when Tony drags another chair beside him and piles his writing supplies on the table. They're sitting right beside each other, close enough that their arms brush and they can lay their heads on each other's shoulders when the fancy takes them, but since they're facing in opposite directions they can't see the other's hands. Steve would have to twist around in his chair to see what Tony's writing, and Tony loves him for it.</p>
<p>Putting it all down in words (well, in euphemisms and allusions, but close enough) makes it so much more real, and so much more open to scrutiny. Suddenly Tony's looking at this not through his own eyes, but through theirs; picking it apart from every angle to see where the sharp edges are.</p>
<p>The sun sets not too long after Tony finishes his letter to them, and Tony follows Steve up to their room. To their bed.</p>
<p>It's funny: yesterday, when he was so sure sex would be painful and terrifying, he was calm and even eager - yet today, when they've already <em>had</em> sex so Tony <em>knows</em> how fantastic it is, he's so apprehensive his hands are shaking.</p>
<p>He wants to keep this. That's what it is. He realizes it when he's frozen, staring at the bed and clutching his arms around himself, listening to the soft sounds of Steve undressing behind him. If it turns out that this morning was a one-off, if it turns out that Steve doesn't try so hard to make him feel good anymore or if Steve wants to fuck him and it turns out there really is no way to keep that from hurting or any of the hundred other things that could go wrong -</p>
<p>One good morning was more than he ever thought he'd get. One time being as close to Steve as physically possible and both of them overwhelmed with pleasure was beyond his wildest dreams. Things like that don't happen in Tony Stark's life, and they sure as hell don't happen twice. So if this morning was the only time sex is ever going to be like that -</p>
<p>Then Tony doesn't want to know.</p>
<p>"I don't want to have sex," Tony says. He doesn't realize the words have left his mouth till he hears them, and then he reflexively whirls towards Steve to see how he needs to protect himself from his reaction.</p>
<p>Steve looks at him for a moment, like he's waiting for Tony to say something else, and then he continues folding his clothes. "All right, Tony. Anything you want. I said we never have to have sex again if you don't want to, and I meant it."</p>
<p>A moment later Tony hasn't moved - has hardly dared breathe - and Steve's forehead wrinkles. "I'm not sure I'll be able to help, um, you know," he waves a vague hand at his crotch, indicating either getting hard or coming in his pants or something else Tony's unaware of. "I'm sorry. If I'm asleep, though, I mean, it might happen. I won't do anything, though, I swear I won't. If it'll make you more comfortable I can sleep in the other room tonight."</p>
<p>No. Absolutely not. What if Steve has another nightmare? It's bad enough he has them at all, but if he's anywhere other than right beside Tony and Tony can't comfort him - that is not acceptable. "You don't have to do that."</p>
<p>"I know," says Steve. "I'm offering. I just want you to be comfortable, Tony."</p>
<p>Tony raises his chin. "I'll be comfortable here, with you, without having sex."</p>
<p>A blush colors Steve's cheeks, very faintly, and Tony's mesmerized. "Then that's what we'll do."</p>
<p>Getting settled in the bed is even more awkward than it was the very first time, but at last they're both lying under the covers with their heads on their own pillows.</p>
<p>"May I kiss you?" Steve asks.</p>
<p>Tony rolls his eyes, but turns towards Steve anyway. "You don't have to ask permission to kiss me."</p>
<p>Steve hums. "M'gonna anyway."</p>
<p>They kiss for a while, but it's slow and languid and Steve doesn't touch him at all except for his kisses and resting one hand on Tony's jaw. After a while Steve drifts off, and Tony just lies there staring at him, and realizes he's being selfish again. Not only is he not letting Steve have sex, he's also keeping Steve right beside him so Steve can't even jerk off. Yes, that's because Tony never wants Steve to suffer through another nightmare alone, but it also means Tony's denying him any relief at all. And that's assuming Steve even <em>can</em> jerk off - it makes him want to crawl into a hole in embarrassment, but Tony still has no idea if that's just an omega thing or not. Or maybe just a him thing. Everyone always said that an alpha couldn't come unless they were inside an omega, but Steve said he came this morning and his dick was nowhere near Tony.</p>
<p>All of which is beside the point. No matter how it is Steve can get off, Tony's preventing him from doing so.</p>
<p>The obvious solution to this - if Tony's going to continue not having sex, which considering the fact that he doesn't want anything to ever taint the memory of this morning means he's likely to continue abstaining (or trying to) for the rest of his life - is to keep Steve beside him and let him jerk off anyway.</p>
<p>And the image <em>that</em> brings to mind, especially with the memory of Steve's adorable blush just from hearing Tony say the word 'sex,' is enough to keep Tony awake for a long, long time.</p>
<p>Somewhere in all the confusing if also desperately arousing imagining - along with the heightened awareness of Steve from how closely Tony's scrutinizing him, on the lookout for the least sign of a nightmare - Tony realizes he can't finish the fantasy. He can't imagine what it would look like to watch Steve come, since Tony's never seen it.</p>
<p>Steve came when they had sex this morning, or said he did, but Tony missed the whole thing. Literally all of it. It's not just that he doesn't know what Steve's face looked like, he also doesn't know what his cock does, or if he shakes or goes still, or how far down the blush goes, or what noises he makes -</p>
<p>Great, so the memory of this morning has been tainted anyway. Tony tries to tell himself that having one imperfection is enough to make the experience seem more real without ruining it, but the truth is that missing Steve coming isn't just an imperfection, it's a fucking tragedy.</p>
<p>So now Tony wants to not have sex, to be with Steve if he has a nightmare, to stay away from Steve when Steve's aroused, to allow Steve to find release, to not be used or touched or looked at when Steve comes, and to actually <em>see</em> Steve come. Because those are all definitely things that aren't mutually exclusive.</p>
<p>It's nearly dawn by the time Tony falls into an exhausted, frustrated sleep.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Listen, I need to say something about comments; specifically the comments on the first part of this series. I know I've responded to barely any of them, and I know that probably makes it seem like they don't matter (or worse: like you, dear reader, don't matter to me), and there aren't words for how much that is not true. Responding to comments takes a huge number of spoons for me (I do not control how many spoons are needed for any given activity, unfortunately) so most days I just... can't.</p>
<p>That being said, though. Guys. <i>Guys.</i> I've read and re-read every single one of them so many times I've got most of them memorized. I cannot emphasize this enough: the <i>only</i> reason I have written anything <i>at all</i> in the last roughly six months is comments on any of my stories. The start of my Writing Process is literally to go back and read them.</p>
<p>Okay so despite what it may seem like I'm not begging for comments. I just can't bear the idea that any of you feel like you're trying to talk to me and you're shouting into the void instead. The void may not answer directly, but you are heard and have a measurable impact and I love you.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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